iprotectyou | CWDP 2017: Eiko

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CWDP 2017: Eiko

The wooden slats on the bench in the sauna dig into Baze's thighs, but he doesn't mind at all. He melts in the heat so wet he feels like he's swimming while sitting.

He knows he's dreaming, but the whole thing feels so real. In the nature of dreams, Chirrut isn't with him, and then he is. Baze opens his eyes, and tastes emotion: peace and contentment. They taste of watermelon and hard candy, respectively. He smiles at his friend, and raises his hand to wave.

Then, her. She isn't with them, and then she is, wearing a yellow, polka-dotted swimsuit.

"Baze? Chirrut?" Eiko says, and Baze's heart leaps in his chest. She picks at the two-piece. "What's this thing?"

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"That's fair." Chirrut agrees, laughing. "Which makes me the least fair." He holds his hands up in victory, because clearly this was a race to the bottom.

Baze and Eiko both laugh. His is a raucous cackle that bounces around the room, and hers is a delighted chortle that complements Baze's.

But when Baze turns to Eiko next, there are tears in his eyes. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you both, too," Eiko says, smiling gently and squeezing Baze's hand.

Chirrut closes his eyes, because he doesn't want to see the pain he can hear in their voices. The dark is a relative to his normal lack of sight, familiar enough to find a home in.

"How am I supposed to train this lug to properly wield a staff again when you're not here to help, Eiko?" He complains, burying his grief in the most fake show of disgruntlement ever attempted.

Eiko laughs again, lightly, but it tastes like black caf to Baze--strong, and bitter. He knows he never should have brought up the fact that he misses her, never shod have given voice to the sorrow building up behind his breastbone, making his chest tight.

He wants to apologize to Chirrut, but he can't find the words. They stick in his throat, tasting even more bitter than Eiko's laugh. Tears roll down his cheeks, and he sniffles.

"I have faith in you, Chirrut," Eiko says, still smiling. She takes his hand and offers him a squeeze.

"But you are here now." Chirrut protests, though it sounds thin to his ears. He knows that somehow this isn't real, or isn't as real as it could be - some grace granted that he is entirely greedy enough to want to extend. "You could stay."

Because saying a thing makes it so.

And there it is. Baze's chest feels like there's a gaping hole where his heart should be.

"Chirrut," Baze says, licking his lips in the heat of the sauna, "we're dreaming."

"You are, and you aren't," Eiko says, patting Baze's shoulder. "I am here. But I can't stay."

Chirrut hasn't bothered much with 'fair' in his life. Being raised wild and blind on the streets of Jedha wasn't fair, but whether it was or not was no consequence. Developing the most unfortunate crush of all time wasn't fair, but he wouldn't trade his choice for the universe. Losing his home twice over wasn't fair, but the Force still called with tasks to complete.

This isn't fair, and for once Chirrut wants to rail against the unfairness of it all.

He doesn't.

He knows, once it's over, there will be plenty of time for heartbreak. There always is, after. So instead he frees himself from Baze and shifts over so he can flop in an overly-warm pile against Eiko (probably squishing her, he doesn't care, he enjoys her squeak of mock-protest and leans harder).

"Baze is becoming a full time mother hen, make him stop." He orders, pulling his old imperilous tones.

Eiko snakes a hand up and gently scratches Chirrut's sweaty scalp. "I'm sorry, teacher, there's nothing I can do about that. It's his nature. You wouldn't change his nature, would you?"

Baze snorts. "I'm not that bad. But you are too skinny."

"I don't know, it depends how many times he tries to trick me into eating vegetable testicles. Did you know vegetables had testicles? They do, and they're foul." Chirrut now has opinions on fresh produce - who would have ever thought?

Eiko barks out a laugh, and continues running her nails over Chirrut's scalp. "That's disgusting!"

"Avocados are the best," Baze protests, folding his sweaty arms. He's back to tasting chocolate again. "I can't help it if your tastebuds are unrefined."

"My tastebuds are unrefined? You're the one that ate that entire bowl of... what was it, Mack and Cheese? That disgusting thing the feral girl claimed she once liked?" Chirrut mocks, deeply enjoying the petting. "You'll have to convince him he's ridiculous, Eiko, he won't listen to me."

Eiko grazes her fingertips over Chirrut's head, scratching from the back of his neck to his forehead in little circles. "Of course he won't," she says, though she uses no further words to explain why.

"You promised you wouldn't tease me about the Mac and Cheese of the Kraft variety," Baze whines.

This is a lie. Chirrut made no such promise.

"Eiko, get him to shut up," Baze gripes.

"You really want him quiet?"

Baze pretends to think on this for a long time, as if he hadn't already made the decision as soon as Eiko's words left her mouth. "No."

"See? Just let him speak," Eiko says, pressing a kiss to Chirrut's forehead.

Chirrut reaches up a hand, almost-lazy except for it's underlying urgency, to trace along the lines of her face. It's how he knows to 'see' - to feel the corners of upturned lips, the corners of eyes that never had time to form crows feet, the unworried brow.

He tweaks her hair.

"Still trying to be peacemaker."

Eiko smiles under his fingertips, and catches his hand. She turns her head so that her cheek rests against his palm, and closes her eyes. "I have to go now."

"No," Baze says, clutching his chest. "Stay."

"I can't. I'm sorry," Eiko says, drawing them both into another hug. "I love you. Both of you."

"We love you, too," Baze says, his voice breathy with unshed tears.

"We love you." Chirrut agrees, as if through force and repetition the words could make the inevitable stop.

"We love you." He repeats, when no matter how firmly he hugs her back, she fades from under his fingers.

"We love you." He cries when she's replaced with swirling steam.

Baze wakes abruptly, in the cool darkness of the temple room at Milliways. The Force is gone; all he tastes is sour dryness. Eiko is gone; ghosted away as if she were never there. He can still hear her laughter.

Tears flow unabated from his eyes, and roll down his cheeks to splash on his pillow. He pushes Chirrut's foot off Baze's chest and sits up, intending to draw his friend against the larger Guardian's chest once he, too, wakes.

When Chirrut opens his eyes, it makes no difference to his world. His surroundings have retreated into forms he understands - the warmth of the bed, the close-echoing sound of a small stone room, the agony of a broken heart. He wants to shove it back into its corner, but the wound is old enough to have lost its numbness, but fresh enough to bleed freely. He wants to curl in on himself, but there's someone else to consider.

"Baze" He reaches out an almost-desperate hand, not entirely sure what he'll do with himself if Baze fades to mist as well.

Baze takes that hand, and presses a kiss to the palm.

"Chirrut, she's--" Baze starts, but only gets that far before he chokes. He sobs, tugging Chirrut close and wrapping a meaty arm around his neck.

Chirrut clings as he does so rarely, keening softly at the pain of it. He didn't tell her he was sorry he wasn't there, wasn't thinking of her when she died. He didn't tell her he was sorry he never found her, never knew to search until he knew she was gone.

He hopes she knows anyway.

Baze has only seen Eiko twice in the last twenty years: a few, brief moments before she died, and a few, brief moments now, in a dream that was more than a dream. It's not enough. It never will be. He could dream of her for the rest of his existence, and he'd still be greedy for her presence. How cruel Milliways is, to give them a taste of her, and to take her away again.

Still. Baze is glad that he and Chirrut had that taste.

Baze cries himself hoarse. Taking a cue from Eiko, he gently scratches Chirrut's scalp.

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CWDP 2017: Eiko

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